Miscarriage: My Story of a Brokenheart

Just two and a half weeks ago I had a routine prenatal appointment at my doctor's office. I invited four year old Ehlana to come along with me so she could hear the baby's heart beat. My Dr was at the hospital delivering another baby so we waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally he sat down with us and said, "Let's go look at the baby." 

We went back to the dark ultrasound room. I wasn't expecting to have another ultrasound at this appointment but I was excited for Ehlana to see the little jumping bean.

As the doctor and I looked at the screen we both went quiet. He moved and pushed and circled around. I knew what I was seeing. No movement. No heartbeat. He measured the baby, it calculated the baby to be 8 weeks.That is what I it had measured 3 weeks prior. 

He turned off the machine and whispered, "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." 

"I know." I said. 

I sat up and he handed me some tissues. I began to tear up and he gave me a hug. I pulled Ehlana up onto the table with me she started asking what was going on. My doctor asked her if she wanted some stickers and we went into the hallway. He asked one of the receptionists to take Ehlana to get some stickers and we sat down in another room. He kindly explained my options and suggested we give it the weekend to think about it. I held back the tears. I was still in shock. I didn't understand why the baby had measured so small. He told me that is starts to shrink pretty quickly after the heart stops beating. We think the tiny heart stopped beating at about 9 weeks. 

After our brief meeting I went to get Ehlana. She was oblivious and very excited about her sticker. As we walked out I saw my good friend in the waiting room. I hugged her and couldn't hold back the tears anymore. 

"Not good?" She said. All I could do was shake my head no.

 We walked outside together and she was so kind and comforting. I got in my car and turned to Ehlana. "The baby's heart isn't beating anymore. The baby died." I said. 

Ehlana gasped."The baby died?! Oh."

Telling the kids was the hardest part for me.

I called Steve and told him the news through my tears. He was very surprised, and sad. We had plans to go to dinner at our friend's house and I decided we would still go. I went home to get them and as Jaxson was getting his shoes on he asked me what was wrong. 

"The baby's heart stopped beating." I said, "The baby died." 

"The baby died!?" He said. He began to cry.
I pulled him close and hugged him. 

"Can I still have a bunk bed?" He asked. 

"Yes, you can." I said. 

He stopped crying. 

Dinner with our friends was a nice distraction. At first there were hugs and tears and then the kids began to play and we sat down for dinner. We talked and laughed as usual but my head was swimming with the terrible truth. It just wasn't sinking in. 

As I put the kids to bed that night Jaxson started asking more questions: Where is the baby's spirit? Where is the baby's body? Was it a girl or a boy? Will it go to a different family? 

I told him, "The baby's spirit is in heaven and it's body is still in my tummy. We will never know if it was a boy or girl baby because the body was still so small. Sometimes when babies are really small their heart isn't strong enough, so it stops beating. Maybe this baby will come to our family another time and have a body that is healthy and strong." 

He was content with those answers. I was content with those answers.

I believe there is a Prophet on the earth today. Just as Moses received the ten commandments, and Noah received instructions to built the ark, I believe our Prophet today receives revelation for us at this time. But, it is known in our religion that there is no information given by revelation in regard to miscarriage or stillborn children. Some women I have talked to feel that their baby is on the other side of the veil and that they will join them when they die and that baby will be a part of their eternal family. Some women I have talked to believe that the spirit had never entered that body and that the baby will be born into their family at another time. I think the reason there is no revelation given to the Prophet about this subject is because it is different in each situation. We don't know when the spirit enters the baby's body. 

President Brigham Young said he believed that “when the mother feels life come to her infant it is the spirit entering the body.” 

I have given life to three children. I know that the spirit enters the body before the baby takes it's first breath. I can feel their personality and spiritual presence even when they are still in my womb. With this pregnancy I didn't feel that spiritual connection. I feel strongly that there is someone missing from our family. I believe that this baby will come to us at a different time and in a different body. For whatever reason, it was not this baby's time. I believe that a mother is entitled to her own inspiration regarding her children. We can have peace and comfort knowing that God loves us and knows the desires of our hearts. Although I believe that this baby will come to me at another time, I was still heartbroken and disappointed.

That night I mourned the loss of my pregnancy. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I tried to fight back the tears, but I would wake up crying. 

At one point I heard one of my children saying, "Mommy, mommy."

I tried to open my eyes but my eye lids felt heavy and swollen.

"Mommy, mommy." They whispered.

I forced my eye lids open and looked to my bedroom door. No one was there. I sat up and listened. The house was still. I laid my head down on my pillow and quietly began to cry. 

I finally went down stairs to sleep on the couch so I wouldn't wake up my husband. I prayed and prayed for peace and comfort. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to not feel this hurt and pain. Then a gentle impression came to my mind.

"Don't fight back the tears. Just let it out. It's okay to feel sad about this." 

I decided to just let all my emotions out. I sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes. I felt a sweet release of emotion. And then I was done. I felt calm and peaceful. I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and the reassurance that it is okay to feel heartbroken. I went back to bed and slept the rest of the night.

The next morning was Jakob's second birthday. I was exhausted and my head felt foggy but wanted to enjoy his birthday. I wanted to feel the joy of being a mother and focus on the blessings in my life. It was a wonderful day.

The truth is I have a wonderful life.

The truth is I am very blessed.

The truth is I will gain knowledge and empathy from this experience.

The truth is I am a spiritual being having a mortal experience.

The truth is I can feel sad and heartbroken but still love my Heavenly Father.

And I do. I love Him very much.