Raising Kids is Hard Work

This school year has been challenging for Jaxson. Being in school all day is hard for him. Not getting picked for things he really wants is hard for him. Waiting patiently for the teacher to teach something he already knows is hard for him. Patience is not his God given talent. We have been working very closely with his wonderful teacher to help him learn how to integrate into the classroom full of children with different needs. We have "therapy sessions" about feelings and appropriate ways to express our feelings. I gave him a journal to write in when he gets upset, it helps him express his feelings and then write an appropriate choice for what he should do with his feelings. It's been a long road, but he as been making progress. He still seems to take two steps forward and one step back. He has a behavior chart that breaks up his day into sections and he gets points for each section of the day. He responds well to charts, numbers, and things being timed. If he has missed points he has consequences at home such as no treat snack, got to bed early, no computer time etc. For a while it seemed like he didn't have any privileges. One weekend he had to pay for a babysitter while we went to dinner for his friend's birthday party. I think that was a turning point for him. He now gets almost all of is points everyday. (Sometimes he still has bad days. Or even weeks.) But, his privileges are flowing! We even make up things such as going to get ice cream and staying up for a movie night to reward his efforts.
The other day he said, "Mom when I was a baby in your tummy did you hope and pray that I would make good choices at school?" I said, "Yes I did. I have always hoped and prayed that you would make good choices at school." He paused, "But you didn't get that. I have to have a behavior chart." It broke my heart to see how repentant he was. I can tell that his emotional outbursts seem out of his control. He thought he was letting me down. I took him in my arms and told him that we are all trying to make good choices. We are here to learn how to make good choices and I love him no matter what choices he makes.
Last week he told me that every month his school has a quality that they learn about and then they award children who have demonstrated that quality at an awards assembly. Jaxson told me that he has never gotten an award. Unbeknownst to him I had received a letter telling me he was getting an award this month-- for perseverance. He has been trying so hard to make good choices that his teacher wants to recognized  him for it. (I told you his teacher is wonderful!) Through this process I have been thinking and praying a lot about how to raise my children the Lord's way. This month I read this wonderful article entitled Raising Resilient Children. We will all experience set backs in our lives. Some are from the choices we make and our own imperfections. Our job as parents is to help our children develop attitudes and the skills of resilience.

Lyle J. Burrup said:

"Here are some recommendations for how we might apply these principles in our homes:

• Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.

• Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.

• Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.

• Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.

• Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.

• Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.

• Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.

• Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.

• “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

As we prayerfully work on the challenging job of raising resilient children, the Lord will bless us with the guidance and inspiration we need to help them gain the emotional and spiritual strength to deal with life’s challenges."

This article outlined exactly what we have been trying to teach Jaxson this school year. It's not about perfection. I realized early on in my parenting journey that if my goal as a parent was to raise perfect children, I was going to fail. It's about helping our children develop qualities that will help them be successful in life. Happy in life. And for me parenting is mostly about love.